This year, no party planned but, I believe it’s for the best. I like such days to be special, just as much as any other day should even though I don’t go by those words, but at the same time I am kind of relieved at how unnoticed it goes. It’s your birthday, but nobody can pinpoint that it is if they aren’t close enough. I’ve walked past hundreds of people today, and as I was going on with my own life, thinking and enjoying little smiles and gestures, I realized that, the fact that today meant so much to me was reduced to nothingness because only I believed it, knew it, felt it. I kept myself busy with internal speeches about the passing of time and the sudden consciousness of my own aging process. And yet, nobody could tell; which is something I find attractive in human beings. What is in the mind, in the tiny particles of our organism, is our only and our greatest possession. This intimacy we can either keep to ourselves, or partly share with chosen ones, is something I neglected, or simply put at the back of my head. But I’m taking advantage of such system on a daily basis, and we all are. Such simple facts, I’m glad I voiced them out somehow with my brain, and my hands at the moment. It makes me feel awfully old. I have gotten used to this idea of deep thoughts being peculiar to grown-ups. Exclusively. I knew it wasn’t true, but it simply stuck, since anyone is prone to such thoughtfulness at various ages, from one person, to another. I wish I could get those feelings back, when major ignorance was omnipresent. But wanting to know more about something, causes more knowledge about, not only that particular something, but more knowledge about anything. I’ll make it brief, as I, for self satisfactory reason, don’t wish to dwell on such subject. I’ve become quite resentful regarding my age, and it’s just a sweet seventeen I’ve had here. It feels like I am not enjoying my teenage years to the fullest. I’m rather, going through it half-heartedly, and in an unintentionally type of way. And I guess that overall, I’m simply not, living my life with genuine enthusiasm. I should make opportunities for myself to expend my current fields of whatever stands before me, and of course I should just like everybody else who is, obviously, not doing it yet. Now, taking action is…for tomorrow. And it never comes.
Quiet birthday, with whispered wishes from a cellular phone. I give my heartfelt gratefulness through intense thinking.
I have this feeling of contentment. Still, I know that I should be nowhere near that state yet. I guess it simply goes with my sense of irresponsibility. I have eaten more than necessary this morning. That must be the result of my starving myself for days. I feel bloated now, but the need to chew and swallow doesn’t seem to fade. I can’t recall what I dreamt about. I guess my mind doesn’t want me to analyze them anymore. I’ve been reading way too much into it. It grows addicting when it really matches with reality. Music played for one hour and a half before I started hearing it clearly and realizing that it wasn’t just a dream and that I should get out of my bed. My mother was surprised to see me awake so early in the morning and that made me proud. That’s the kind of thing I really enjoy. Waking up before everybody else. I used to be a late riser. When I was little I would always be last. Last one to wake up, last one to finish eating. The eating might not be so true lately as I kind of started eating less…and less again as the years went by. The less you eat, the faster you finish. My hands are really dry, I don’t know if I should be thankful. But that’s still better than the usual sticky feel. I spent my morning, browsing around, and learning different hairstyles. I wish I was girly enough to pull them off complicated twist and bun and braid and fluffy and messy and neat and wavy and straight and curly hairsyle. I’m not a tomboy, but doing my hair all cute and pretty just for the fun of it isn’t worth it because I end up feeling ridiculous. The only thing I do to my hair is side braid, and messy bun. I’m not into ponytail. Your hair slaps you whenever you run (and I do run pretty often because I pretty often leave my home late) and it swings left and right when you walk and that bother me. I can’t seem to stand my brother, his selfishness is really upsetting. I don’t think I’ll miss his behavior. Not at all.
Easter Monday and no chocolate. Yet.
School starts tomorrow, and I didn’t start studying seriously. Yet.
This entry will be even more frustrated than it was supposed to be at first because in fact, yes, I admit I was really upset, though not very aggressive as I began writing this post a few minutes ago before it got all erased somehow because I was browsing clumsily on the internet watching Glee. So, I am all fine. There is still food in the fridge, spring vacation is tomorrow afternoon and I have this family gathering at around noon with Mr. Father’s family and I am that forever healthy and curvy girl with half an hourglass figure except with a big fat tummy sticking out and I have dark brown and light brown hair on my scalp and I just got my first 11/20 in maths which is pretty satisfying in itself but I wish to have better marks than that and my mother just got back on her feet from an unknown sickness involving her blood or liver or any part of her body and my sweet dearest lovely cousin is going to come to my home the second week of spring vacation that, I have to remind myself, starts tomorrow afternoon and nobody died in my family and I haven’t broken up with the imaginary boyfriend that I don’t have and I went to the ice-rink a week ago and it was awesome and, that’s all.
In fact, I feel deep inconsideration as, nobody understand how I feel when I know I’m striving for something so out of reach it hurts all over my arms, over my heart and up my head from all the little tiny microscopic thorns thrown my way and they don’t know and they walk on, step on, tear up, look down on the bruises and the wounds that I have because they’re so very small and I have millions of them still on my soul burning and stinging so hard I cry whenever they are touched and stop asking me whether I’m fine or not because I’m not fine at all but I don’t want to lie and say “I’m okay, just tired” when the truth is, it is not -just tired- it is so freaking tired and exhausted by all this I’m exploding right now and that’s all in my head because nobody might believe me but I am typing this so calmly it scares me while watching the end of Glee as I got addicted to this tv show so much it doesn’t bother to skip dinner and eat fruits instead because I ate like a starving pig at noon in the canteen before one hour of talking about regime type in front of the whole class and two hours of geography which meant three hours in a row spent with the same teacher who made us shut our mouth for ten minutes before the bell rang and gave us an assignment to probably hand over after spring break not to mention that it is even longer than a two hours exam.
So how things really are in the end? Well, let’s just say my English teacher just screwed most of my not-very-high-to-start-with chances to get accepted in any English universities in London because they’re the only one who can give me access to a biomedical course degree that might open me the doors to the medicine course. How did he do that? Well by giving me a review this semester that implies I have a globally inappropriate, or rather bad, attitude in class by not participating on my own free will. And now, all I have to do is work and work and work and work again with little support because I have to do this by myself. Guess what? He goes ahead saying all this about me when in fact, as the teacher that he is, he knows nothing. He’s bringing me down and cutting all the wires I’m holding on for dear life to. I know I’m putting all the blame on him but it is not my fault if he is at fault. The very last class I raised my hand at least five times; not that high, I know, but still he let me talk only two times, and didn’t even care to let me elaborate what I said or do it himself like he does the whole time with this boy, who is in fact my tutor but, I cannot stand the way he outshines everyone during English classes. He doesn’t even express himself that well but that teacher only wants to let him do the talking, so much that we have nothing left to say unless we want to add something unrelated which would make the teacher upset because his lessons aren’t even well prepared enough to have minimal organisation as he, follows the students lead with their random sentences and, writes his lessons out of their clumsy ideas. And he goes again ruining my future slowly behind my back when he can’t even manage his English class properly and what? I am to blame, for not wanting to destroy others’ opportunities to talk in English once in a while in their French life and therefore, not taking part during his classes because I, actually, don’t need to pratice speaking as much as my other classmates do. Thank you so much, really, thank you, I never knew being slightly considerate of people was so rewarding. I’ll try not to be selfish and raise my hand so much, spouting nonsense to intimidate the rest of the class so much that I’ll be blamed for whatever I’ll have done wrong in your eyes.
They say I should stop worrying about it. That’s right. Easier said than done. Put it at the front of your brain. I am turning into, or rather turning over the other side to show that face people don’t often get to see of me. That ‘sorry but you screwed up big this time’ face. I have gotten angry once for something stupid, I know alright, it was silly because it didn’t mean anything and wasn’t even important in everyone’s opinion. But at the time, this kind of thing meant a lot to me and, I was right. I forgave and let me get rejected by someone who didn’t put a lot of effort in our relationship from the start and then, I let myself get brought down all the time since that ‘silly’ moment shutting my mouth and always staying composed no matter what, forgiving every little oh-so-not-important mistakes, trying to understand and never going against anyone and bearing with the tiny and almost inexistant amount of appreciation I have for this person. Here I am now, realizing that my heart had told me clearly during that oh-so-silly time when “j’ai fais la gueule pour rien”, that, this person wasn’t one to be trusted, wasn’t one I could be with, wasn’t one I should involve myself with but because I never listened to what my heart told me anymore as others thought it was ridiculous and dumb, I stand here, right now, in this situation, wanting to cut all ties. I was blinded by my desire to avoid the cold and harsh truth that from the beginning, I couldn’t stand being around that person. Now I am disgusted, I see how much I wasn’t being honest with myself. I feel like I’ve been living in a happy world and that world came crashing down and it’s actually a good thing overall…and yet, it’s so hard to get through this fantasy and step in the real world. Maybe, just maybe I’ve stepped in another dream world of mine. And when this one is destroyed, I wish the next one will be like a beautiful reality.
I hate your guts and I’m sorry I am not one that should be in your life. At least, I’ve tried.
(Unnie, I’m so sure you’ll have a headache if you actually have enough strength to read all this. Sorry for not writing cheerfully, and I’m okay, just so exhausted I’m dying faster than I should)
No, I don’t think I have changed. I like to think that I have grown up. I want to say that I’ll probably never change. I like the idea of staying true to yourself under every circumstances. However, now that I actually start thinking about it, I might want to change. Not my personality, not my values, but still, a few things I became along the way. I don’t regret, but if I could replace parts of my life for the better, I’ll do it. No doubt about that. Starting from the moment I got addicted to chocolate to the point that I took my slender figure as an ice-skater, for granted. I’d slap myself over the face anytime if it could knock some sense into me. I wish I had never been such a coward, a girl who was nothing but a procrastinator. I give up when things get hard for me. I like to spoil myself with comfort of any sort. That didn’t really change actually. But I think I have learnt to hold on tight when something important was at stake, something that would never come back if I ever let go. It reminds me of how I got stubborn till I cried for my friend to tell me what was wrong. I don’t know since when, but I became particularly calm, so much that I barely get angry anymore. I’m not talking about getting pissed off because my brother leads an easy life with no worries (as he won’t let anyone sleep till he, freaking stop playing his dear playstation one two three) because I still rant and shout shriek scream in his ears whenever I can, let alone blame him for everything that is wrong with me. The only person I can still be mad at is my brother and my mother, even if I don’t really raise my voice with my mother. It’s occasional, like when she accuses me of something I haven’t done. Other than them, I don’t even bother. Even Mr. Father doesn’t hear me yell anymore. Yes because in fact, I used to vent my anger on him (since he is often the cause) when I was still a hot-tempered little girl with only twelve years of living behind me. I have turned into a boring girl, even if I still hope I am not boring to the bone. I think I snapped out of it, when I first got angry because my friend gave me the cold shoulder after I tried talking to her as if nothing happened. You don’t know how much it took for me to come up to her that one time. I hate to be rejected; rejection is something I will never be able to bear, for the simple reason that it takes me a lot to actually ask for something. Call me shy, I believe I am not…completely. Since then, I didn’t express every discontent of mine. No more, because it wasn’t worth it at all. Getting all worked up is never worth it, and I realized that I always felt like the wrong one… not the wronged.
School break aren’t complete if I don’t spend some time with you, even if it’s just to stay home doing nothing but browsing on the internet. Thank you so much for being there for me. Thank you for putting up with me no matter what I say, no matter what I do.
I don’t deserve all the great things I have in my life, and yet, I wish to keep them all to myself.
